More Random Ramblings

   Hey people, how is it going? Are you enjoying your summer? I know I am. Today I'm just going to talk about several random topics. Enjoy!
   The teaser trailer for "The Dark Knight Rises" came out recently.  The trailer is only about a minute long but the movie looks incredible. Christopher Nolan has a talent for making epic movies. That reminds me, I need to watch Inception again. I think I finally understood the whole thing the third time I saw it.
   What other movies are coming out? They are remaking "Spiderman." The trailer looks interesting. We will have to see how that goes. "The Hobbit" is currently in production. There is no doubt that movie will be awesome.
   Rebecca Black released a new song and video. At least "Friday" was memorable and catchy.  Her new song "My Moment," while better vocally, is bland and forgettable.
   According to recent polls, our new president will be either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. My opinion is that the identity of the president will not greatly affect our current economic situation. It will take the combined effort of the people and the government to change that. Although it would be great to have a Republican in the white house, I am okay with Obama. He's good at giving speeches.
   Enough political mumbo jumbo. Mumbo Jumbo? Is that proper English? Is that phrase FDA approved? How do mimes contribute to society? What's the meaning of life? When will giraffes take over the world? Why can't chickens cross roads without having their motives questioned? What it the air- speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
   Well, the increasingly random questions signal that I am about done with today's post. So long my friends, perhaps we shall meet again. Whatever peril shall come across thy path, never lose heart. Even when you find thyself in the darkest places, remember the friendship that binds us all. Even when all hope is lost, simply look to the stars and remember that somewhere in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called Albuquerque.

Benjamin and the Genie

Benjamin and the Genie

by Evan Swope

     Once upon a time in a far away village there lived a lonely sad boy named Benjamin.  His family was very poor so they had to live in a barn. They had no money to eat so they had to eat dirt three times a day.  Every year on Ben’s birthday, he was allowed to have grass for dessert.  The boy’s only friend was a stuffed pig named Frank, but one day the family ran out of dirt so they had to eat Frank. 

     His father had to sell his arms and legs so they could afford having dirt to eat. But his father was a painter so that was a pretty stupid idea. Now the family was even more poor. 

     One day, on Christmas, Ben was digging for dirt to eat.  It was so cold that his hands were frozen solid, but he kept on digging.  He kept digging and digging until he discovered something very strange buried in the ground.

     “What’s this?” Said Ben.

  It was a solid gold lamp, encrusted with diamonds and emeralds.  Ben looked at it scornfully and rubbed the dirt off of it.

  “This isn’t dirt. I can’t eat this! Useless!” Ben said as he threw the lamp backward. But suddenly, out of nowhere, came a small green man, floating in mid-air. 

  The strange man suddenly spoke in a booming voice.

  “Congratulations, good peasant. You have rubbed the Lamp of Destiny and unleashed the Genie of Promise. I shall grant to you three wishes!”

  Ben stared at the Genie. 

  “Can I wish for dirt?” Ben said excitedly. 

  “Um, If you would like. But you can wish for anything, anything at all! You can wish to be a King, you can wish for riches, you can wish for-”

     “I wish I had a big bag of dirt!”

  “Okay... As you wish.” Said the Genie hesitantly.  Suddenly, a giant bag of soil appeared out of nowhere and landed in front of Benjamin. 

  The Genie smiled.

  “One bag of the finest topsoil.”

  Ben yelled in excitement and began scoffing down the dirt. 

  “Mmm, this is the best dirt I’ve ever had!” he exclaimed with his mouth full.

  “I’m, um, happy you enjoy it. Now, how about wishing for a flying carpet, or a royal mansion, or perhaps an enormous feast for your family.”

  Ben considered for a moment.

     “I wish for more dirt!” 

  “What? You can have ANYTHING you want. Just say the word and it is yours. I believe that it would be in the best interest of your family that you would-”

  “MORE DIRT!”

     “Are you sure?” Said the Genie hopelessly. “Alright, as you wish.”

  Another bag of soil appeared next to Ben.  Without hesitation Ben ripped a hole in the bag and started pouring the dirt into his mouth. 

  While Ben ate, the Genie reasoned with Ben. 

  “Now, you only have one wish left. I would strongly recommend wishing for something other than dirt.”

  After Benjamin finished off the last of the soil, he thought about it. 

  “Your right, I wouldn’t want to waste all three of my wishes on dirt, that would be silly of me.”

  “Exactly. I’m glad you finally understand what I’m saying. Listen, your family is severely underprivileged, no? Why not wish for money for your family.  You could give yourself a better life.” 

  Ben stared at the barn his family lived in. He thought about all the hardship his family had endured.  He thought of his father and mother, who worked so hard to provide for their son.  He thought of how sad his family had always been.

  “I wish for a pet turtle named Sparky!” Ben finally declared.

  The Genie put his head in his hands. 

  “You are truly hopeless.”

  A small, green turtle appeared in front of Ben. 

  Thank you, Mr. Genie. Wow! A pet of my very own! Sparky, I’m going to love you, and play with you, and feed you lots of yummy dirt every day.”

  The Genie slowly descended back into the lamp, muttering.

  It was the best day of Benjamin’s life. 

Well Hello Again!

   Well hello again. I haven't posted in a while now. I wish I could say I am busy, but I'm not.  Actually, I am very busy doing nothing. There you have it.
   So I will try to post as much as I can. I am going to set a goal to post at least three times every week.  So yeah. Bye!     

The Kangaroo Song

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

kangaroos are found in australia 

and in Tanzania

but not in Algeria

or even Zambia 

not in Estonia

or Mongolia

nowhere in Antartica

kangaroos are great-i-ca 

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

the kangaroo is a marsupial 

and quite beneficial 

celestial and ceremonial 

but not extraterrestrial 

kangaroos are quite proverbial 

septuacentennial

multiply binomials???

the kangaroo is wonderful 

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

The Stupid Poem 2

If only we were all united

there would be no more war

there would be no more suffering

there would be no more death

there would be no more... uh.. 

no more horror

no more suffering

wait, I already said that 

but you get the point 

you don’t? 

oh. 

um, well.

forget about that 

what do you want to talk about? 

the weather has been nice

very nice indeed

...

are you still here? 

go do something else

like read a book

or a magazine

or you could play the banjo

no, don’t play the banjo, that’s stupid

go, uh, climb a tree

or watch tv

hey that was a rhyme

do I get a dime?

stop, rhyming, you fool,

rhyming is uncool

i’m talking to myself now

how now, brown cow?

where there, white hair?

do you have a care?

why do you dare?

go sit in a chair?

is it rude to stare?

a triangle or square?

national health care?

a questionnaire? 

the electric chair?

the book of common prayer?

THE AMERICAN BLACK BEAR!?!?!?!?!?!

wow... that was stupid

Trapped

 My old man always used to say in his gruff voice “William, you better stay on your own land or your gonna get y'self in a heap o' trouble.” But we were simply children, headstrong and curious. We were young and proud, not a care in the world.

    I remember the date. March 17. A beautiful spring morning. Me and the boys were foolin' and playing Daniel Boone when we passed my father's land markers and ventured onto Farmer Green's land. Now of course we were not allowed, but Farmer Green owned acres of land. Hilly terrain of trees and grass as far as the eye could see. He would never know we had been there.

    My friend Thomas chuckled. “Throw it over here, Billy.”

    I laughed and and threw the baseball. “My pa would kill us if he'd hear about us goin' past the land markers.”

    Another one of my pals, Stevie, ran past me. “Ah, lighten' up, Bill, nobody's ever gonna find us out.”

   “I guess you're probl'y right.” I laughed again. “Throw it back, Tom.”

    We played like this for a few minutes until we heard a rustling noise.

    “What was that?” Stevie exclaimed.

    I looked around. “I don't know, prob'ly a coon.” We threw the ball around until suddenly we heard a voice.

     “Get off my land or I'll shoot you youngins, you hear me?” Speak of the devil, it was Farmer Green.

    We ran. We ran for our lives. We ran until we came to an open area, full of dead grass and planks of wood.

    “Run!” I yelled. “We best be gettin' back to our own land or he's gonna kill- AAH!”

    All of a sudden I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I did not know what had happened. All I knew was that my entire body hurt. My first thought was that Farmer Green had shot me, but I would have been dead if that had happened. I opened my eyes. It was dark and stuffy. What had happened to me?

    It dawned on me like a slap in the face. The planks of wood in the field had been covering up a deep hole of some sort. I had tripped and fallen down it, knocking myself unconscious.

    The first thing I wanted to do was scream. I tried to take a deep breath, but instead got a mouthful of dirt. I coughed and spluttered, and began to cry. My body shook furiously, but I could barely move. I screamed like a madman. Dirt fell upon my head. My arm hurt like nothing that I had ever experienced. I began to hyperventilate, breathing extremely hard. It was then that I realized that making a scene would not help me get out of this hole. I attempted to calm down and take hold of my surroundings.

    It was pitch black, I could not see my hand in front of my face. My entire body ached thoroughly, but my right arm screamed in pain. I rubbed it. It was cut and covered in blood. I must have scraped it on the wood planks. Maybe I could climb out of this hole. I pushed upward, but I could not move my legs. They must have been broken, I knew it. Once again I began to hyperventilate and make a scene.

“HELP! HELP! THOMAS! STEVIE! MA! PA! HELP ME! HELP ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed and called for help for quite some time, until I realized that nobody could hear me. My only hope was that someone had seen me fall down and would get help.

    After struggling some more, a mysterious calm came over me. I did not feel the need to struggle. I actually felt relaxed. But from my lessons at school I realized that it was because of the limited air supply. My body did not have enough oxygen so it was attempting to shut itself down.

   I cried some more. If only I had listened to my father, I would not be in this mess. I promised myself that if I got out of this, I would obey my old pa whenever he told me to do something. But if I died in there, I would never see him again.

I must not die, I told myself, I must not die, I am too young too die. Again I attempted to push myself up to the surface, but it was no use. There was no denying it, I was trapped. Trapped, I repeated it to myself. Trapped. Trapped! I decided that my best bet was to stay awake and alert. They would come looking for me eventually, they would rescue me.

    But the longer I stayed in there, the harder it became to breathe. Sleep crept over me like a disease. The lack of oxygen and the shock of being trapped must have rendered me delirious, because I began to have an imaginary conversation with myself.

    “Sleep, Billy, just close your eyes and relax.” A voice inside of me said.

    “No, I ain't gonna sleep, I have to stay awake!”

    “Don't fight it, Billy, just sleep.” The voice wheedled and cajoled me, but I stood firm.

    “No! I MUST STAY AWAKE!”

    “Just give in to the urge Billy, give in.”

    But I knew I mustn't give in. If I did give in I would not wake up again. I must fight. Fight to stay alive. Fight to see my family again. Fight to see my friends again. Fight to see the world again.

    My strategy was to occupy my mind to keep myself awake. I thought of my family. I thought of my old man with his gruff voice and his aromatic stogies. I thought of my loving mom. I thought of my brothers James and Robert and my sister Marian.

    I remembered when I had broken the window with a baseball and blamed it on Thomas. I laughed when I recalled how furious my father had been when he found out it was me. I remembered the extensive lecture he had given me about lying.

My eyes watered as I prayed that somebody would rescue me. I would have preferred for my father to be furious at me. Anything to get me out of that God-forsaken well.

    After staying awake for what seemed an eternity, the air supply grew dangerously low, and the voice became more persuasive than ever.

    “Sleeeep. Sleeeep. Sleeep.” It sang.

   Eventually, I knew that I must give in to the urge. I could not keep my eyes open, and nobody was coming for me. I would probably die, but I had to sleep.

Without warning, someone grabbed my hand. It was probably the hand of God coming to take me to heaven, but it was someone coming to rescue me, and that was all that mattered.

` At that same moment, I fell asleep.

   The next thing I knew I heard a voice.

   “Billy, Billy, wake up.”

    I opened my eyes. Light engulfed my vision.

    “Is this... Heaven?” I inquired to the voice.

    “No, William, it's me, I got you out of that hole. You're safe now. Don't worry.”

    My eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. I began to weep for joy. I recognized that voice, it was my pa, my old man. He had rescued me and put me on my bed. Tears streamed out of my eyes like rain from thunder clouds. I hugged my father tightly, something I hadn't done in a long while. I had survived!

    “But how?” My words came amidst tears.

    “Farmer Green ran to me as soon as you fell. He may be a bit of a toughie, but he saved your young life.”

    More celebration tears came as my family entered the room. I hugged all of them, thankful to be alive. I have learned one crucial lesson from this ordeal. No matter what your parents tell you, whether or not it seems important, they tell you because they love you. Their rules are there to protect you. Following these rules may very well save your life.

Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of a Door to Door Salesman

If an annoying salesman comes to your door and you want him to go away, try one of these ideas.

10. Answer the door but talk through a sock puppet.
9. Scream "Mama, we got ourselves another one, git the shotgun!" in a southern accent.
8. Hold a knife in your hand and say "I didn't take my medication this morning."
7. Answer the door in a telletubbie costume and say "I love you" with a big smile on your face.
6. Open the door and yell, "You forgot the harmonica!" and slam the door.
5. Quickly start throwing apples at the salesman after you open the door.
4. Hold a bucket of water and say "Ready for the splash fight?"
3. Sing "I'm a baby kangaroo boing, boing, I'm a baby kangaroo, boing boing" when you open the door.
2. Open the door with a vampire costume on and say in a creepy voice "Hello, please enter, I must warn you, though, this house is home to over 999 mischievous ghost. We always have room for one more. Muahahahahahahahahah."
1. Number one way to get rid of a salesman: Put on a hockey mask and fire up that chainsaw!