Diary of an Alien Visiting Earth

Dear Diary, 

This is my 6th day on earth.  I have had much time to observe the humans, and have discovered several interesting things about them.  From what I have observed, their leader is someone by the name of Justin Bieber.  Many of earth’s people worship this figure, but others despise him.  Humans, primitive beings, are slaves to a concept known as time.  These humans believe that time controls them.  They are always upset about being late to events.  One thing I have noticed about humans is that as “time” passes, they begin to “age.”  When they get older, they get uglier than they already are.  Their hair turns white, begins to fall out, and their skin gets wrinkled.  How strange these humans are!  Another peculiar aspect I have observed is a ritual known as a “meal.”  Humans engage in the “meal” three times a day.  They must sit down and put several strange items inside their mouth, then crush the items with their teeth, and then force the items through their esophagus!  This ritual is central to human society. Humans are quite stupid to believe that the consumption of food is necessary. Obviously they have never discovered quantonium nitrate beams.  Humans are millions of years behind us in technology.  For example, they get excited about touch screen phones, yet processes such as “smell-o-vision” or “anti gravity goggles” have never even been approached.  Humans still have much to learn.  Another basic aspect of human society is “money.”  Strange pieces of paper and metal are used to buy and sell objects.  They do not even use sardines as currency! How strange! All in all, I would never want to live on earth.  Earth’s inhabitants worry about everything.  Wars are still fought between nations to obtain what they want.  Many of earth’s peoples are oppressed.  I am going to stay on my home planet of Zorkon 5, and leave the people of earth to worship their king Bieber.  

Random Ramblings

     Well, I don't really have anything to post today, so I will just talk about some random stuff. Enjoy!
     There was a republican presidential debate on tv... its kind of early, in my opinion.  They should do the election like a reality show, with one candidate being voted off each weak.  Ryan Seacrest would host, and would say things like, "Newt Gingrich, you are safe." or "Barack Obama, you are in the bottom two."
     I want Newt Gingrich to win. I don't really know anything about him, but his name is awesome. Imagine someone introducing him as "Newt, the President of the United States."  That would give us Holy Grail fans something to chuckle about.
    Well, the election isn't for like another year, so it is kinda hard to predict who is going to win.  Anyway, the other day, I saw a commercial for a spray that eliminates bad dog breath.  Really people? Is this what the world is coming to?  Who is going to smell dog breath?  Dogs will eat anything, so I don't really think they care about their breath?  Maybe Harold Camping was right about the apocalypse.
     Bye.

Best Excuses

Next time your teacher asks why you didn't do your homework, give her one of these excuses.


1. Gnomes carried it off
2. My brother ate it
3. I had to go climb a tree
4. A llama ate it
5. I had a facebook appointment
6. Homework kills trees
7. Do the homework yourself, lady!
8. It's a free country, i can do what i want
9. We had homework?!?
10. My homework was stolen by the FBI
11. Doing homework is against my religious principles
12. My parents forgot to pay the gravity bill
13. I had to read the dictionary
14. YO GABBA GABBA WAS ON!!!
15. Tom Cruise needed it as a prop for his new movie!
16. No speech english
17. The President ordered me not to do it!
18. I am nodexterous, i can write with neither the left or right hands
19. A maniac with a gun forced me to rip the homework up!
20. My unicorn friends made me go on a magical adventure to return the amulet to the banana king! 

20 things to do at a drive through

20 Things to do at a drive thru

1. Order something that's not on the menu, like steak or pizza.
2. When they ask you what you want to order, say “um, uh, well, i'll have the um, no, uhhhh.” and keep doing that for 10 minutes.
3. When they repeat your order to see if they have it right, say that is wrong and you ordered something completely different.
4. Pay with monopoly money.
5. When they hand you your food, politely say “No, thanks.”
6. Sing what you want to order.
7. When the guy hands you the bag of food, pretend to be really scared of it, then open it and scream at the top of your lungs, then drive off.
8. Throw a water balloon through the window.
9. Ask for extra ketchup then when he gives you it yell “WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME KETCHUP?!? I HATE KETCHUP!!!
10. Go through the drive thru line backwards
11. Walk through the drive thru.
12. Have a hockey mask on.
13. When you get your food don't drive away, just sit there and eat the whole thing in front of the guy.
14. Have headphones in your ears when you drive up to the window, close your eyes and sing “Baby, baby, baby” really loudly for a long time.
15. When you get your food, look at it and pretend to go off into a long rant in a foreign language.
16. When you get up to the window, hand them a bag of food before they hand you your food.
17. Ask for extra napkins then drive off before they give them to you.
18. Pretend to be talking on your phone for a long time, then when the guy tries to give you your food say “Can't you see i'm on the phone? I think you need to learn some manners.”
19. Put sunglasses on then give the guy an envelope and say “Top secret information. Burn after reading. Our mission is as stake.”
20. Squirt the guy handing you your food with a super soaker, then say “THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY SQUAREPANTS!!!”
    
    

Poem

I was going to write a poem
but I didn't feel like it
so there

Another Random Challenge

I am challenging myself to write the 5 most random sentences I can think of:

1. The striped yellow grand piano fell through the clouds while four hundred and thirty five bipolar blind mice ate everlasting gobstoppers while listening to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus.

2. The angry polish rabbi shook hands with the muffin man in Central Park after attending a party celebrating the decline of friendly middle aged chocolate loving social workers.

3. After slapping the excited Elvis impersonator dressed as Santa Claus, the educated hobo hopped on his pogo stick towards the cranberry hospital.

4. Barry, the agnostic elf, took a drink of peanut butter kool-aid and danced his way up Mount Vesuvius  with his friend Winston Churchill on a leap year.

5. Nine purple parking meters led the parade followed by a confused bald lifeguard, a schizophrenic elephant painter who was good in geometry, a party of creepy Australian bartenders, and Justin Bieber.

The Watcher

I saw him
following me everywhere
sneaking
lurking
watching
a dark doppelganger
mimicking my every move
I tried to run
but he would not leave
simply standing there ominously
refusing to depart
I screamed
but my mother only laughed
and told me with great delight
that I had been afraid of my own shadow.