Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Kangaroo Song


I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)
kangaroos are found in australia 
and in Tanzania
but not in Algeria
or even Zambia 
not in Estonia
or Mongolia
nowhere in Antartica
kangaroos are great-i-ca 
I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)
the kangaroo is a marsupial 
and quite beneficial 
celestial and ceremonial 
but not extraterrestrial 
kangaroos are quite proverbial 
septuacentennial
multiply binomials???
the kangaroo is wonderful 
I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
I’m a baby kangaroo (boing, boing)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)
kangaroos like to hop (hop, hop)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Stupid Poem 2

If only we were all united
there would be no more war
there would be no more suffering
there would be no more death
there would be no more... uh.. 
no more horror
no more suffering
wait, I already said that 
but you get the point 
you don’t? 
oh. 
um, well.
forget about that 
what do you want to talk about? 
the weather has been nice
very nice indeed
...
are you still here? 
go do something else
like read a book
or a magazine
or you could play the banjo
no, don’t play the banjo, that’s stupid
go, uh, climb a tree
or watch tv
hey that was a rhyme
do I get a dime?
stop, rhyming, you fool,
rhyming is uncool
i’m talking to myself now
how now, brown cow?
where there, white hair?
do you have a care?
why do you dare?
go sit in a chair?
is it rude to stare?
a triangle or square?
national health care?
a questionnaire? 
the electric chair?
the book of common prayer?
THE AMERICAN BLACK BEAR!?!?!?!?!?!
wow... that was stupid

Friday, June 17, 2011

Trapped

 My old man always used to say in his gruff voice “William, you better stay on your own land or your gonna get y'self in a heap o' trouble.” But we were simply children, headstrong and curious. We were young and proud, not a care in the world.
    I remember the date. March 17. A beautiful spring morning. Me and the boys were foolin' and playing Daniel Boone when we passed my father's land markers and ventured onto Farmer Green's land. Now of course we were not allowed, but Farmer Green owned acres of land. Hilly terrain of trees and grass as far as the eye could see. He would never know we had been there.
    My friend Thomas chuckled. “Throw it over here, Billy.”
    I laughed and and threw the baseball. “My pa would kill us if he'd hear about us goin' past the land markers.”
    Another one of my pals, Stevie, ran past me. “Ah, lighten' up, Bill, nobody's ever gonna find us out.”
   “I guess you're probl'y right.” I laughed again. “Throw it back, Tom.”
    We played like this for a few minutes until we heard a rustling noise.
    “What was that?” Stevie exclaimed.
    I looked around. “I don't know, prob'ly a coon.” We threw the ball around until suddenly we heard a voice.
     “Get off my land or I'll shoot you youngins, you hear me?” Speak of the devil, it was Farmer Green.
    We ran. We ran for our lives. We ran until we came to an open area, full of dead grass and planks of wood.
    “Run!” I yelled. “We best be gettin' back to our own land or he's gonna kill- AAH!”
    All of a sudden I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I did not know what had happened. All I knew was that my entire body hurt. My first thought was that Farmer Green had shot me, but I would have been dead if that had happened. I opened my eyes. It was dark and stuffy. What had happened to me?
    It dawned on me like a slap in the face. The planks of wood in the field had been covering up a deep hole of some sort. I had tripped and fallen down it, knocking myself unconscious.
    The first thing I wanted to do was scream. I tried to take a deep breath, but instead got a mouthful of dirt. I coughed and spluttered, and began to cry. My body shook furiously, but I could barely move. I screamed like a madman. Dirt fell upon my head. My arm hurt like nothing that I had ever experienced. I began to hyperventilate, breathing extremely hard. It was then that I realized that making a scene would not help me get out of this hole. I attempted to calm down and take hold of my surroundings.
    It was pitch black, I could not see my hand in front of my face. My entire body ached thoroughly, but my right arm screamed in pain. I rubbed it. It was cut and covered in blood. I must have scraped it on the wood planks. Maybe I could climb out of this hole. I pushed upward, but I could not move my legs. They must have been broken, I knew it. Once again I began to hyperventilate and make a scene.
“HELP! HELP! THOMAS! STEVIE! MA! PA! HELP ME! HELP ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed and called for help for quite some time, until I realized that nobody could hear me. My only hope was that someone had seen me fall down and would get help.
    After struggling some more, a mysterious calm came over me. I did not feel the need to struggle. I actually felt relaxed. But from my lessons at school I realized that it was because of the limited air supply. My body did not have enough oxygen so it was attempting to shut itself down.
   I cried some more. If only I had listened to my father, I would not be in this mess. I promised myself that if I got out of this, I would obey my old pa whenever he told me to do something. But if I died in there, I would never see him again.
I must not die, I told myself, I must not die, I am too young too die. Again I attempted to push myself up to the surface, but it was no use. There was no denying it, I was trapped. Trapped, I repeated it to myself. Trapped. Trapped! I decided that my best bet was to stay awake and alert. They would come looking for me eventually, they would rescue me.
    But the longer I stayed in there, the harder it became to breathe. Sleep crept over me like a disease. The lack of oxygen and the shock of being trapped must have rendered me delirious, because I began to have an imaginary conversation with myself.
    “Sleep, Billy, just close your eyes and relax.” A voice inside of me said.
    “No, I ain't gonna sleep, I have to stay awake!”
    “Don't fight it, Billy, just sleep.” The voice wheedled and cajoled me, but I stood firm.
    “No! I MUST STAY AWAKE!”
    “Just give in to the urge Billy, give in.”
    But I knew I mustn't give in. If I did give in I would not wake up again. I must fight. Fight to stay alive. Fight to see my family again. Fight to see my friends again. Fight to see the world again.
    My strategy was to occupy my mind to keep myself awake. I thought of my family. I thought of my old man with his gruff voice and his aromatic stogies. I thought of my loving mom. I thought of my brothers James and Robert and my sister Marian.
    I remembered when I had broken the window with a baseball and blamed it on Thomas. I laughed when I recalled how furious my father had been when he found out it was me. I remembered the extensive lecture he had given me about lying.
My eyes watered as I prayed that somebody would rescue me. I would have preferred for my father to be furious at me. Anything to get me out of that God-forsaken well.
    After staying awake for what seemed an eternity, the air supply grew dangerously low, and the voice became more persuasive than ever.
    “Sleeeep. Sleeeep. Sleeep.” It sang.
   Eventually, I knew that I must give in to the urge. I could not keep my eyes open, and nobody was coming for me. I would probably die, but I had to sleep.
Without warning, someone grabbed my hand. It was probably the hand of God coming to take me to heaven, but it was someone coming to rescue me, and that was all that mattered.
` At that same moment, I fell asleep.
   The next thing I knew I heard a voice.
   “Billy, Billy, wake up.”
    I opened my eyes. Light engulfed my vision.
    “Is this... Heaven?” I inquired to the voice.
    “No, William, it's me, I got you out of that hole. You're safe now. Don't worry.”
    My eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. I began to weep for joy. I recognized that voice, it was my pa, my old man. He had rescued me and put me on my bed. Tears streamed out of my eyes like rain from thunder clouds. I hugged my father tightly, something I hadn't done in a long while. I had survived!
    “But how?” My words came amidst tears.
    “Farmer Green ran to me as soon as you fell. He may be a bit of a toughie, but he saved your young life.”
    More celebration tears came as my family entered the room. I hugged all of them, thankful to be alive. I have learned one crucial lesson from this ordeal. No matter what your parents tell you, whether or not it seems important, they tell you because they love you. Their rules are there to protect you. Following these rules may very well save your life.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of a Door to Door Salesman

If an annoying salesman comes to your door and you want him to go away, try one of these ideas.

10. Answer the door but talk through a sock puppet.
9. Scream "Mama, we got ourselves another one, git the shotgun!" in a southern accent.
8. Hold a knife in your hand and say "I didn't take my medication this morning."
7. Answer the door in a telletubbie costume and say "I love you" with a big smile on your face.
6. Open the door and yell, "You forgot the harmonica!" and slam the door.
5. Quickly start throwing apples at the salesman after you open the door.
4. Hold a bucket of water and say "Ready for the splash fight?"
3. Sing "I'm a baby kangaroo boing, boing, I'm a baby kangaroo, boing boing" when you open the door.
2. Open the door with a vampire costume on and say in a creepy voice "Hello, please enter, I must warn you, though, this house is home to over 999 mischievous ghost. We always have room for one more. Muahahahahahahahahah."
1. Number one way to get rid of a salesman: Put on a hockey mask and fire up that chainsaw!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Diary of an Alien Visiting Earth

Dear Diary, 
This is my 6th day on earth.  I have had much time to observe the humans, and have discovered several interesting things about them.  From what I have observed, their leader is someone by the name of Justin Bieber.  Many of earth’s people worship this figure, but others despise him.  Humans, primitive beings, are slaves to a concept known as time.  These humans believe that time controls them.  They are always upset about being late to events.  One thing I have noticed about humans is that as “time” passes, they begin to “age.”  When they get older, they get uglier than they already are.  Their hair turns white, begins to fall out, and their skin gets wrinkled.  How strange these humans are!  Another peculiar aspect I have observed is a ritual known as a “meal.”  Humans engage in the “meal” three times a day.  They must sit down and put several strange items inside their mouth, then crush the items with their teeth, and then force the items through their esophagus!  This ritual is central to human society. Humans are quite stupid to believe that the consumption of food is necessary. Obviously they have never discovered quantonium nitrate beams.  Humans are millions of years behind us in technology.  For example, they get excited about touch screen phones, yet processes such as “smell-o-vision” or “anti gravity goggles” have never even been approached.  Humans still have much to learn.  Another basic aspect of human society is “money.”  Strange pieces of paper and metal are used to buy and sell objects.  They do not even use sardines as currency! How strange! All in all, I would never want to live on earth.  Earth’s inhabitants worry about everything.  Wars are still fought between nations to obtain what they want.  Many of earth’s peoples are oppressed.  I am going to stay on my home planet of Zorkon 5, and leave the people of earth to worship their king Bieber.  

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Random Ramblings

     Well, I don't really have anything to post today, so I will just talk about some random stuff. Enjoy!
     There was a republican presidential debate on tv... its kind of early, in my opinion.  They should do the election like a reality show, with one candidate being voted off each weak.  Ryan Seacrest would host, and would say things like, "Newt Gingrich, you are safe." or "Barack Obama, you are in the bottom two."
     I want Newt Gingrich to win. I don't really know anything about him, but his name is awesome. Imagine someone introducing him as "Newt, the President of the United States."  That would give us Holy Grail fans something to chuckle about.
    Well, the election isn't for like another year, so it is kinda hard to predict who is going to win.  Anyway, the other day, I saw a commercial for a spray that eliminates bad dog breath.  Really people? Is this what the world is coming to?  Who is going to smell dog breath?  Dogs will eat anything, so I don't really think they care about their breath?  Maybe Harold Camping was right about the apocalypse.
     Bye.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Best Excuses

Next time your teacher asks why you didn't do your homework, give her one of these excuses.


1. Gnomes carried it off
2. My brother ate it
3. I had to go climb a tree
4. A llama ate it
5. I had a facebook appointment
6. Homework kills trees
7. Do the homework yourself, lady!
8. It's a free country, i can do what i want
9. We had homework?!?
10. My homework was stolen by the FBI
11. Doing homework is against my religious principles
12. My parents forgot to pay the gravity bill
13. I had to read the dictionary
14. YO GABBA GABBA WAS ON!!!
15. Tom Cruise needed it as a prop for his new movie!
16. No speech english
17. The President ordered me not to do it!
18. I am nodexterous, i can write with neither the left or right hands
19. A maniac with a gun forced me to rip the homework up!
20. My unicorn friends made me go on a magical adventure to return the amulet to the banana king! 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

20 things to do at a drive through

20 Things to do at a drive thru

      1. Order something that's not on the menu, like steak or pizza.
      2. When they ask you what you want to order, say “um, uh, well, i'll have the um, no, uhhhh.” and keep doing that for 10 minutes.
      3. When they repeat your order to see if they have it right, say that is wrong and you ordered something completely different.
      4. Pay with monopoly money.
      5. When they hand you your food, politely say “No, thanks.”
      6. Sing what you want to order.
      7. When the guy hands you the bag of food, pretend to be really scared of it, then open it and scream at the top of your lungs, then drive off.
      8. Throw a water balloon through the window.
      9. Ask for extra ketchup then when he gives you it yell “WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME KETCHUP?!? I HATE KETCHUP!!!
      10. Go through the drive thru line backwards
      11. Walk through the drive thru.
      12. Have a hockey mask on.
      13. When you get your food don't drive away, just sit there and eat the whole thing in front of the guy.
      14. Have headphones in your ears when you drive up to the window, close your eyes and sing “Baby, baby, baby” really loudly for a long time.
      15. When you get your food, look at it and pretend to go off into a long rant in a foreign language.
      16. When you get up to the window, hand them a bag of food before they hand you your food.
      17. Ask for extra napkins then drive off before they give them to you.
      18. Pretend to be talking on your phone for a long time, then when the guy tries to give you your food say “Can't you see i'm on the phone? I think you need to learn some manners.”
      19. Put sunglasses on then give the guy an envelope and say “Top secret information. Burn after reading. Our mission is as stake.”
      20. Squirt the guy handing you your food with a super soaker, then say “THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY SQUAREPANTS!!!”

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Poem

I was going to write a poem
but I didn't feel like it
so there

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Another Random Challenge

I am challenging myself to write the 5 most random sentences I can think of:

1. The striped yellow grand piano fell through the clouds while four hundred and thirty five bipolar blind mice ate everlasting gobstoppers while listening to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus.

2. The angry polish rabbi shook hands with the muffin man in Central Park after attending a party celebrating the decline of friendly middle aged chocolate loving social workers.

3. After slapping the excited Elvis impersonator dressed as Santa Claus, the educated hobo hopped on his pogo stick towards the cranberry hospital.

4. Barry, the agnostic elf, took a drink of peanut butter kool-aid and danced his way up Mount Vesuvius  with his friend Winston Churchill on a leap year.

5. Nine purple parking meters led the parade followed by a confused bald lifeguard, a schizophrenic elephant painter who was good in geometry, a party of creepy Australian bartenders, and Justin Bieber.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Watcher

I saw him
following me everywhere
sneaking
lurking
watching
a dark doppelganger
mimicking my every move
I tried to run
but he would not leave
simply standing there ominously
refusing to depart
I screamed
but my mother only laughed
and told me with great delight
that I had been afraid of my own shadow.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

My Top Ten Favorite Movies

Here are my top ten favorite movies:

1. The Truman Show
2. The King's Speech
3. Up
4. Batman Begins
5. Inception
6. The Dark Knight
7. The Return of the King
8. Holes
9. Secondhand Lions
10. The School of Rock

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Biography of George Washington

Here is my thoroughly researched and accurate biography of George Washington:


      George Washington was born in a small village in Camelot.  His father was George Washington Carver, the man who invented the peanut.  
     When he was older, he wanted to sail to the New World.  However, Benito Mussolini, the King of Italy, denied him permission.  Eventually, though, Abraham Lincoln gave him permission.  
In 1492, he left Camelot on his ship Santa Maria, and sailed to America. He overthrew Queen Elizabeth and freed the slaves.  He wrote the Bill of Rights which gave him the right to be the dictator of America.  George Washington established a totalitarian government. 
However, George Washington was overthrown during the Civil Rights Movement, and George Bush became the new dictator of America.  George Washington went into hiding in Pakistan. 
On July 4, 1776, while George Bush was seeing a play, George Washington snuck out of nowhere and killed Bush.  Washington leapt from the balcony and yelled “Eureka!” (I told you I would kill you George Bush, you stupid silly man!) George Washington became dictator again. 
Washington’s first decree as dictator was to pass The Declaration of Independence, which gave independence to Alaska.  He also added several states to the Union, such as Kentucky, Mexico, and Narnia. 
After serving as dictator of America for nearly 200 years, George Washington was assassinated on November 22, 1963.  He was riding in a car when a man named Adolf Hitler shot him twice.  Hitler was a Serbian nationalist who was mad at Washington for taxing the colonists.  Eventually Washington’s murder ignited the Civil War. 
Barack Obama, Washington’s vice dictator, became dictator of America.  He is a pretty bad dictator, because he decided to make gas prices really high.  Although George Washington is dead, we can remember him as one of America’s most courageous dictators.  

Friday, June 3, 2011

Secret Message

Glad tidings, my friends, let us all rejoice.
Over hills and across rivers I have traveled to bring this news.
Though we have endured years of hardship, the evil king has been defeated!
Thaddeus, the brave and noble warrior, has slain him.
At last, we have reason to celebrate!
Grave, still, is our situation.
Even though the King has been slain, his wicked advisor, Morzan, lives on.
The Order of the Free Citizens will continue in our battle against the evil kingdom.
Death has come to many during this war, and will continue to claim brave soldiers.
Our spirits, however, will never break!
Whatever shall befall us, whoever shall oppress us, we will stand.
Never shall we forfeit, never shall we lose hope.
On the eve of every battle, we will never fear loss.
Nobody can destroy the Order of the Free Citizens!
For we covet what our enemies do not, peace and justice.
Righteousness will always prevail over evil.
I swear to you, good friends, that we will do everything we can to ensure your safety.
Dare not be afeared of the coming war!
Always have courage!
Yes, the Order of the Free Citizens will triumph!

Your faithful servant,
Randall Blimey, Knight of the Order of the Free Citizens.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Home

Here is a serious free verse poem that I wrote for my creative writing audition:

it is late
and traffic is slow
thousands of drivers
blare their horns
all of these people
have different stories
different histories
different backgrounds
different religions
different political view
different ethnicity
different pains
different morals
different ideals
different worlds
but one thing
they have in common
is a desire to see their families
to visit loved ones
to get home

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

No Summer Break?

So, the school year is almost out, FINALLY.  What would happen if there were no summer break? What would be the consequences?

Well, first of all, the stress rate would go way up.  Kids NEED a break from school, it is scientifically proven.  Kids would become more stressed and their blood pressure would go up.  The stress would turn them into pale hunchbacked Gollum creatures who sat on the floor yelling all day.  Eventually all the work would cause children to have nervous breakdowns and burn their homework.

Then, the kids would start rioting in the streets with pitchforks and torches, torching buildings and smashing windows with rocks.  They would ultimately reach the school and burn it to the ground.  But the children would not be satisfied.  After destroying the school, they would burn their teachers in effigy while chanting. 

The children would commit acts of terror and genocide in all major cities, eventually beginning a nuclear war.  Wars would break out between nations.  Prisoners would escape from jails.  The moon would fall to Earth, leading Earth to collide with Venus.  The impact would be so large that the gravitational balance of the universe would be upset, and all planets would fly into the sun. 

Teachers and Parents, unless you want to destroy the entire solar system, give us a long summer break... fast.